The Essential Humility of
Marriage
by Terry D. Hargrave, PhD
Keynote Presented at the
Fourth Annual Smart Marriages Conference
Denver, Colorado, July 1, 2000
Introduction
Well, just for the record, I want you all to know that I am a
native to Colorado. I live in Texas, but I was born on the
Western Slope in a little town by the name of Fruita. I say
this because normally there is a group of Coloradans assigned to
circulate among any Texans in a crowd to attempt to discourage them
from moving to Colorado. I've lived in both places, and I'm
not planning to move back, so if you are part of this group, you
can spend your time targeting other Texans.
I do so much appreciate the opportunity to speak to you
today. What I want to say to you, I believe is
important. It is not that it is revolutionary, just perhaps
that it is forgotten. Like something we once knew well, like
the artistic expressions used in antiquity, but forgotten and lost
until rediscovered in the renaissance. My goal here is to
remind us what marriage is and the purpose of that
relationship. It is to give direction to our education and
therapy so that spouses know the value of humbly giving themselves
for the good of the marital relationship. It is the essential
individual humility, not only to make the marriage work, but to
make the individual person grow.
Listen to a poem, written for a couple who had made the
long journey of marriage to celebrate their fiftieth wedding
anniversary. They ran away and eloped, suffered through a
year of separation after being married a decade, survived going
belly up financially, put each other through school, and lost their
oldest child to cancer in adulthood.
Come, run away with me
Take my hand
And run with me, run
Remember when we drank each other in
Guzzling intoxicating flavors of love
Numbing our pasts
Sensitizing our futures
We didn't think
We just ran away together
Like swift deer who sense trouble and flee to a happier forage
Come, sit with me
Sit with me
And gaze at life
Remember when, hand in hand
We faced the lifetime of work
Hard and Good
We wrote life's poem together
Knowing my love
Not knowing how we would turn out
Like a good book that we could not put down
Come, begin with me again
Walk with me
Slowly
Remember how we paced our companionship
Growing up and through our heritage
You glancing at me
And me at you
Growing, comfortable with our gaze
Like trees weathering seasons side by side in continuous cycles of
giving to
And giving over
Come, hold me now
Tightly
As we remember tumbling through the travesty
Holding to each other as we watched
The Precious Petal withering and wasting
Leaving us Alone
Leaving us Together
Hold me, right in the middle
As we, wiser now
Drink life so as to not waste one drop
Come now, finish with me well
Come to the path
We have worn
Come and see what we know
And learn from what we see
And come
Fall into my love
Come
And remember how we ran away into a lifetime of joy
Come, run away with me again
As this poem illustrates, what I want to talk about is an
important resource that makes marriages work. It is a sense
of relationship and purpose which indeed is the essence of
marriage. As marital educators and therapists, this is the
resource that I fear we have forgotten--perhaps we have never known
about it for sure.
Our field started serious marital work in the 1940s when
people had the luxury of enough time to consider their own
happiness in the context of marriage. Then, people sought
marriage as a norm of socialization and stabilization. We did
not even have to address the issue of why people married, everyone
just married. So our training did not focus on the reason,
but rather on how people needed to adapt to the spousal roles and
"fit" together.
Then as time progressed, we began to see that just
"fitting" together was not working out. Spouses had
significant differences. As a result, we moved to the idea of
facilitating communication and listening. We believed that if
couples could just respect and hear one another, surely they would
meld together and be happy.
But many couples were not happy. They instead became
more vested in the idea of individual happiness and could not
understand why their spouses were not just as concerned as they
were about making them happy. For example, watch the
following clip from Forget Paris, where a friend explains this
individualistic philosophy of marriage to Billy Crystal, who is
having trouble dealing with balancing the job he loves with his
role as a husband.
- CLIP FROM FORGET PARIS -
I hope you find this as offensive as I do. As
therapists and educators, we have worked hard--in many cases,
harder than the couples we were trying to help. We developed
personality typologies and skill sets that would enable couples to
get along--only if they would use the skills we provided.
In my own practice, I began to realize that I saw the
marriage as two individuals trying to get along for their mutual
happiness. It was this individuality that was the
problem. No matter how I sliced it, when the two individuals
differed in the marriage, they came into competition with one
another. One's happiness would often mean that he or she won
while the other's sacrifice meant that he or she lost. I
found myself in an endless morass of trying to either 1) balance
out the winning and losing of the individual spouses or; 2)
get them to cooperate together.
But why was I trying to get them to cooperate?
Cooperate for what purpose? I finally came to the conclusion
that I was not in the business of trying to eliminate the
competition between the individualism of the spouses, but my work
was almost totally directed at trying to get the spouses to compete
in a nicer way. Seldom, if ever, did I address the problems
of the marriage through focusing on what marriage was or what it
was suppose to do. That was my training. I bet it was
your training too.
The Promise of "Us"
The severe gap in my knowledge about marriage surfaced hard
when confronted by my young college students. I share openly
about my marriage of 21 years to Sharon and will say that I believe
I have a good marriage. They often ask, "What makes it
Good?" To be honest, although at the time I made up some
answers, I did not know. Was it that my wife made me
happy? Was it that the relationship fulfilled me
personally? Was it because we had good communication and
intimacy? Yes, Yes, and Yes--sometimes. Other times, my
wife would drive me crazy and we wouldn't look much different from
the couples we helped in therapy. Yet our relationship
continued to work.
So it was not only couples who had forgotten what marriage
was all about. It was not only the fields of family education
and therapy. It was you. It was me. We had
forgotten what marriage was really about. So what is at the
heart of the issue with regard to marriage?
The heart of the issue is that marriage is a
relationship. A living, breathing relationship that is as
real as the two individuals that form the bond. It is, if you
will, a separate entity--a third person--that is created when two
individuals give themselves in a bonding manner. It is not
just that two individuals participate together in an exchange for
each other's good, it is that they create a whole new being when
they marry. I was first introduced to this concept by the
pioneering family therapist, Carl Whitaker. One time during a
conversation over breakfast, he was talking about his wife.
Carl said that as much as he would miss his wife if she were to
die, he would miss what they were together even more. He
would call what they were together "we-ness" or "us-ness."
What is exciting about this concept of "us-ness" is that
it is not quite one spouse, and not quite the other. "Us" is
what they are together. "Us" is created by two individuals in
a committed relationship; it takes on a personality with
characteristics of its own. It is not just two individuals
who share, it is two individuals who give up part of themselves to
create a oneness--an "us." I think this is what the
Judeo-Christian scripture means when it talks about oneness.
It is not that the two individuals share, it is not that they
obliterate their individuality, it is that they create a new
identity. In our language, this is not "the two shall become
one" as much as it is the two shall become three. In my
marriage, there is Sharon, there is Terry, and there is "us," which
has its own personality, its own likes and dislikes. For
instance, I don't like ballet, but "us" does like ballet.
When I say this, I do not mean that I do not like ballet and I just
give in to my wife because she likes it and I suffer through a
performance. I mean that when I go with my wife, the activity
becomes enjoyable because of how we dress up to go, where we go to
eat, and how we interact about the performance. Our
relationship really does like the activity of ballet, even though I
would never choose to go by myself. But it is not only in the
activities of "us," it also has personality characteristics that
are predictable. For instance, I can tell when "us" is
getting ready to have a fight. "Us" may be invisible but it
is a living, breathing relationship that is kept alive by spouses
caring for it and giving to it in a trustworthy way.
"Us-ness" is IN the relationship, much in the same way
that children are a product of and IN the relationship.
Genetically, children have both of their parents in them, but are
clearly separate individuals. However, they depend on their
parents to keep them alive. In the same way, "us-ness"
transcends each person in the relationship, but depends on the
individuals to keep it alive. It is the "us" that is the
essential element in keeping marriages together, because, in fact,
it is the only part of the spouses that is together.
However, it is not that I sacrifice my individuality for
my wife, but that I willingly give a part of who I am for the sake
of the relationship. When I give, and Sharon gives, we bond
parts of ourselves together to create a unique new entity. It
is the mutual giving to the relationship that, in turn, creates the
context for intimacy found in the relationship. In this way,
sex provides a good picture of this "us" intimacy. Sexual
activity at its best means that I focus on satisfying my
wife. And as a result of the way that I am made, the very
thing that I give to her ends up bringing me satisfaction that
culminates in orgasm. Now I think that orgasm is a good
thing. But one aspect that makes it really impressive is that
once orgasm begins, it becomes a series of involuntary contractions
that dump all that built-up sexual energy. Think about
it. Sex is one of the few activities in which we consciously
and voluntarily lose control of ourselves with another
person. This is truly a golden highway--I give to my beloved
in such a complete way that I lose part of myself in the
process. But this is not a painful loss. It is a loss
that culminates in a blissful "ahhh." I would call it
satisfaction. I would call it peaceful. I would call it
happiness.
The ability to be out of control physically, emotionally
naked, and yet totally at peace in the presence of another
person--this is what this trustworthy giving yields, whether in
physical sex or emotional intimacy. We give of ourselves to
bind ourselves with a spouse in relationship, but creating an "us"
does not mean that we lose ourselves. The "us" becomes a
nurturer to our individuality that works both to teach us and to
fulfill our personal desires. This is one of life's
paradoxes, that as we give up part of our individuality to create
this relationship, we gain nurturance for our own personhood.
When we give to "us" we actually receive the very happiness and
satisfaction we desire.
What is the result of this losing of myself in the sexual
experience if my wife and I aren't using birth control and the
planets are aligned right? Conception, of course. Half
of my genetic material meets half of hers to create a whole new
human being. I have said before that "us-ness" is real, but
invisible. This is true, but I like to think of my children
as testimonies to the struggle in which Sharon and I have engaged
in order to become intimate. They are different from me and
Sharon, but they are the physical representations of our invisible
"us-ness."
The Purpose of "Us"
This, by the way, is why good marital relationships are so
good for children. It is NOT only that in marriage they have
more emotional and financial resources available, important as
these things are. It is the fact that they are products of
the relational "us." When the "us-ness" of a couple is stable
and secure, the emotional strength is transferred to the
children. Children DO NOT come from individuals--they come
from relationships and flourish best when those relationships are
good. George Will recently said that "Biologically, adults
produce children.
Spiritually, children produce adults. Most of us do not
grow up until we have helped children to do so. Thus, the
generations form a braided cord." If you have children, you
know this is true. You might have had children thinking that
you would grow them up, but it didn't take long before you realized
that it was them who were growing you up! I agree with George
Will, but the deeper fact is that children are the physical
representations of the invisible "us-ness" that exists in
marriage. It is not only children that help individual adults
grow up emotionally, it is the marital relationship that grows
adults up. As educators and therapists in the marriage
movement, we are so focused on marriage producing good outcomes for
children. This is good and correct. But the fact is,
that marital "us-ness" and its' physical representation
through children produce equally good outcomes in adults by making
them grow up emotionally.
It is not how the partners communicate or how often they
encounter, and overcome, obstacles. Most couples have
difficulty with communicating and have to face hard realities of
life. It is the quality of "us" that either allows the
spouses to hang together and hold each other close through good
times and bad, or forces them to take destructive actions in the
name of self-preservation.
Marriage is not about a piece of paper that proclaims a
couple married. It is not even about marriage
being an institution. Marriage is a third entity that is
brought into being by the commitment and union of two people and
kept alive by the sacrifice, nurture, love, and trustworthiness
that the spouses provide to the relationship. You and I both
know couples who remain married legally, but have long ago killed
off their relationship. They function as roommates--separate
individuals.
If marriage is not about a piece of paper, then neither is
a legal divorce. We, as a movement, have got to stop seeing
the legal divorce as the enemy. Dead marital relationships
are the enemy. When couples starve off their relationships
because they are not humble enough to sacrifice, love, and trust
one another, they are committing a relational abuse. I use
the term "relational abuse" intentionally. For too long, we
have seen abuse as only being committed against families or
individuals. From this individualistic perspective, we have
seen infidelity, violence, stealing, manipulation, or substance
abuse, only in the context of the competing interests or fairness
to individuals. As therapists and educators, we must not only
stand for the interests and well-being of individuals, we must also
be protectors and advocates of the "us" relationship. When
couples abuse or attempt to murder their relationships, we must
vigorously act to protect this "us-ness". It is not just two
individuals, their actions impact their living "us" relationship
and in turn their entire families.
This perspective can be enormously helpful to
couples. A woman recently told me about how she was the one
that earned most of the money in the family because her husband was
in school. She identified the car, the house, and the
furniture as HER car, HER house, and HER furniture, because she was
the one who had done the work to acquire the goods. When her
husband or children would protest her proclamation, she would
defend her position. When we began to speak of this concept
of relational "us-ness" she came to see the damage she was
perpetrating on the relationship. She said, "I never realized
that being so concerned about what was fair to me was such an
insult to relationship. When I said it was MY car, I might as
well have been saying to one of my children, this is my food
because I paid for it. You can't have any. I've been
killing off our sense of coupleness."
This is what I believe to be the essence of what we have
lost in marital education and therapy work. We have forgotten
what marriage is and what the purpose of marriage is about.
Marriage is a relational "us-ness" that is formed through the union
of two people and kept alive by their loving and trustworthy
actions. The purpose of forming this relational "us-ness"
through marriage is to grow the individual spouses up--emotionally,
physically, socially, and spiritually. When we lose sight of
this purpose and simply focus on skill building, we usually are
training couples to be more knowledgeable about what they are not
doing.
Please understand me here. I am not speaking against
skills. Much of the work in marital education and therapy has
been on skill building--how to communicate, how to resolve
conflict, recognizing personality issues and styles, and practical
work on parenting styles and finances. This has been an
excellent focus and has not been misdirected. I liken skill
building to the engineering necessary to construct bridges.
Anyone who has ever seen the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco
can marvel at its' engineering. The immense towers and
thousands of cables all combine to make a safe, stable, and secure
bridge. Skills give marriage the nuts and bolts of how to
construct good relationships and definitely are essential in our
work. But what I am talking about concerns aesthetics and
purpose. We have assumed that the people we help, know where
bridges are needed and why we build bridges. If we teach them
skills, then they will make the proper applications. We need
to wake up. It is not only skills that are needed. If
you haven't noticed, our entire society is calling into question
the value of marriage and why individuals should even bother in
bonding themselves to another human being. We need our
emphasis on skills, but we also need to be clear on the exactly why
those skills are important and where they are to be used.
Stability, Security, and Sincerity: Growing a
Strong "Us"
How do we get to these strong "us" relationships. It
grows much in the same way that people grow. People have to
go through childhood and adolescence, and so does their "us."
In my mind, there are three broad elements or attitudes that we
want couples to develop in nurturing their "us-ness" These
are stability, security, and sincerity.
Stability
Stability is the first developmental necessity. To
explain what stability is, imagine that when a couple gets married,
they step side by side into a row boat. Each takes an oar in
hand and is ready to set off for a promising and committed ride
that will last a lifetime. They start rowing. Things go
okay, but it is hard for the spouses not to notice that the other
does not quite get his or her oar in the water far enough. Or
he or she strokes at uneven pace. Or that he or she just does
not row like the family of origin. So, they make
suggestions. They become indignant to find out that the other
spouse was just thinking the same thing about them. Imagine,
how wrong they can be! They start defending, criticizing, and
mocking one another. Finally, out of frustration, they pull
out the oars and start flailing one another. Not only is the
relational "us-ness" going no where, they are doing damage to one
another.
Stability is the element in relationships that allows the
couple to be assured of a safe, nonthreatening, and nondestructive
relationship. Partners cannot express their deepest thoughts
and fears to each other if the information is going to be misused
in some way. Spouses must know that they can live together
without hurting each other individually.
In my practice, I usually see instability in couples for
two reasons. The first is left over family of origin
issues. If a person marries believing their spouse will take
the place of a mom or dad they never had, fill the role of a
terrific mom or dad, or provide the opportunity to work out issues
that existed between mom and dad that were never resolved, the
marriage will be in a constant state of instability. Spouses
cannot fulfill any role that is parental simply because it is not
the same type of relationship. When partners try to work out
their family of origin issues with one another, it is like trying
to use the script to Othello with the actors for Romeo and
Juliet. It does not work and it cannot work.
The second reason that couples develop instability is
because of conflictual patterns. These patterns perhaps start
out as personality tendencies, but when mixed with the spouse's
behaviors, they can be habitual and destructive. Some of
these patterns are well known, distancer/pursuer, blamer/placater,
and overfunctioner/underfunctioner. In cases of these
habitual patterns, we must help the couple recognize the
destructive sequence and find a healthier substitute.
Stability is born in relationships through spouses
displaying patient respect and humility. Respect is the
attitude that helps couples realize that their spouses are precious
and fragile human beings that must be handled with care.
Humility, the essential humility, is the recognition that when
things don't work in the relationship, many times it is about me
and my past instead of always being about my spouse's
shortcomings. Stability is an essential factor in growing new
relationships and thus is most critical to establish in the first
two years of marriage.
Security
Security is the second element important to growing strong
"us" relationships. Go back to the couple in the
rowboat. After they have established the fact that they can
row together without harming or hurting one another, there is
important work to be done. Careers need to be established,
work at home to be accomplished and divided, finances to be
handled, and children to be raised, just to mention some of the
tasks. In each task, the couple must do their part of the
rowing to make sure that the work is accomplished. Not only
once, but these marital tasks, the work of marriage, must be done
over again and again. There is always pressure at work,
always something to be done at home, and never enough money.
Security in this "us" relationship is established by me being able
to lean into my spouse to count on the fact that if I do my part,
she will do her part. In short, it is about trust. This
trustworthiness not only builds the ability to give to one another,
it makes the couple partners. That magical part where spouses
are confident enough in one another to become a team.
In order to achieve security, spouses must divide tasks
evenly and fairly and take their fair share of
responsibility. But taking responsibility for a task is not
enough. Spouses must also execute their responsibilities in a
reliable way. Let me illustrate this using one of my pet
peeves--housework. We are in the midst of a profound
sociological change. Around 70% of women work outside the
home, yet they perform at least twice as many of the household
tasks necessary to make the home function. We've known about
this profound inequity for more than ten years, but have yet to
effectively change anything about the problem. Women, who are
overworked by two full shifts of work, are desperate for
help. They look at what they consider to be their deadbeat
husbands and disdain their irresponsibility and
unreliability. Instead of trusting a secure relationship,
they most often consider the male spouse incapable of changing and
permanently immature. Most often, they come to the
conclusion, "I don't need another child--I earn an income and I
take care of everything anyway--I'll go it alone." It is one
of the contributing, and more subtle factors the high divorce
rate.
Now a huge portion of this problem is that both males and
females do not take the idea seriously that housework is the
obligation of the male. Males make excuses like "I wasn't
raised to do it," or "It's just not that important to me."
Females, on the other hand, also make these excuses like "He just
can't do it the right way." or "I'm luckier than most, at least
he's giving me some help." Many professionals complicate this
already insecure picture by explaining that it is due to gender
differences--You know, Men and Women are from different
planets. Men and Women share Earth and there is a lot of work
to be done. Unless both males and females wake up to the
reality that working couples must take equal responsibility for the
home, then reliably execute that responsibility, couples will not
trust one another and their relational "us-ness" will be insecure
at best. This insecurity will, in turn, breed a lack of
giving that will put the marriage in jeopardy as couples separate
and compete for power.
Security is a primary factor for couples that are past the
newly married stage, but not quite into the middle years of
marriage. These habits and issues are usually formed through
the 2nd to 9th year of marriage. It is a crucial time in
which it becomes apparent whether a couple will consolidate their
"us" identity together, or whether they will pull apart and be
individuals outside the relationship.
Sincerity
Sincerity is the third growth factor in developing a strong
couple "us-ness" and it is perhaps the most ignored in the field of
marital therapy. Sincerity reflects the ability to learn
about one's self and achieve personal growth in the context of the
marital relationship. If a couple came to therapy and was
stable and secure, but complaining that they didn't have any goals
or that they seemed to be drifting apart, I use to have a tendency
to not get it. I would think, "You don't have extreme and
damaging conflicts, you have found a way to get the work of
marriage done--I see couples all the time that are in real
trouble. You two look pretty good." The problem was
that I was not seeing the importance of a couple learning to use
the relationship to fulfill personal growth and build goals and
legacy together. Remember the couple in the rowboat?
Sincerity in the relationship is when the couple learns that they
can row together safely without fear of damage or intimidation,
they have gotten use to the trustworthy rhythms of how to work
their careers, finances, and parenting together, AND THEN they look
at one another and say, "Where would you like to go? I'm
willing to put in some oar time to accomplish something that is
meaningful to you." But this relational sincerity is not only
about sacrificial giving, it is also about the spouses being
willing to give up the part of individuality that they hold
onto--the part that is the hardest to give up--the part that is at
the heart of our infantile defenses, selfishness, or unacceptable
behavior.
As many of you know because I have written about it
before, I come from a household that was physically abusive.
When I was eight, I made a manipulative effort to gain a
declaration of love from my family. I was somewhat depressed
and went into my family's bathroom, took out one of my father's
double edge razor blades, and carefully sliced into my
forearms--even then I knew that if I cut into my wrists I would
really be in trouble! What I expected from my family was a
move of protection in response to my cry--loving and
caring--assurances that things in the future would be more
stable. What I got was my mother pulling my skinny little arm
up to her face, grabbing the razor and putting to my wrist and
proclaiming "If we are going to do the job right, this is where we
need to cut you."
A toxic shame washed over me. It was a shame that I
had always suspected-- that I was not loved and was not
wanted. Although through the years I had reconciled with my
parents and family, worked at keeping the damaging interactions of
abuse away from my wife and children, and recovered much of my
identity, there was part of a shame core that I harbored just for
myself.
It was more of an entitlement that I carried around.
It said, "I have a right to be depressed, you don't know the
background that I came from." It said, "You can't say harsh
things to me, I have been traumatized enough in my life." It
said, "I'll say or do anything I damn well like, people have
certainly said and done what they wanted to me." It said,
"You must feel bad and sorry for me because I am one that has been
victimized." It is not like I carried these messages all the
time, they just came out when I stumbled across anything disturbing
that reminded me of this past--then I would pull out my shame core
and claim my entitlement. Conflicts with Sharon that hit
these triggers would immediately be over as I spiraled down into
depression, distance, anger, or manipulation.
But "us" would not leave me alone. The longer that I
held onto my shame, the more powerful the marriage became in
pointing out how stubborn and immature this attitude was.
Sharon, and our relationship, kept scraping off the outer layer of
my pain and all the entitltements and destructive behavior that I
had used to deal with it. Laying it bear with honesty, the
question kept on being presented verbally and non-verbally, "How
long are you going to hold on to this that keeps you from
growing."
I would protest, both verbally and non-verbally, "You
don't understand, this depression, distance, and anger is what I
have always used to survive. If I don't use it, I will
die." The answer would come back, both verbally and
non-verbally, "I, we love you. You will not die. Your
not okay, you're not perfect, but it is okay. It is time to
grow past it." Now I cannot honestly stand before you and say
my old shame core is completely dead--but I can stand up and say
that I am better. Not because I have pulled myself up by my
own bootstraps, but because I have been humble enough to let my
relationship with my wife teach me about how love works, that life
can be trustworthy, and that I can become more human.
This is the essential humility of marriage. Partners
committing themselves to the enormous task of creating a new
person--a relationship--an "us-ness." Then these partners
growing that marital "us" by the humiliating process of realizing
that many of the issues that cause conflict are about their own
backgrounds and destructive patterns. By being humble enough
to embrace marital work responsibly and reliably so as to not take
advantage of each other. And finally, by subjugating oneself
to the tough training of sacrifice and teachability--giving up old
habits and defenses that prevent us from growing.
Is subjugation, humility and humiliation painful? In
the long run, however, not really. It is just like the orgasm
we described in the sexual experience. When we loose control
of ourselves and totally give to our spouses and the relationship,
we get--we get a sense of peace of who we are as individuals, and a
sense of satisfaction that we are truly connected.
And if that kind of humility can take place in creating a
stable, secure, and sincere "us," then we will have long and loving
marriages. Like the couple for whom this poem by b.f. maiz
was written. They had been married 62 years and were
celebrating their anniversary in the very same church in which they
were wed on a September Sabbath 62 years earlier. A lifetime
of humility and love yielded an "us-ness" that assured the couple
that they would make the same pledges of love all over again.
When,
On that Holy September Sabbath Morning
We Together
You and I
Locked Our Lives
I promised, through all the ripe and painted Autumns
to walk with you
Through the bleak and icy Winters
I made a vow to cuddle with you
Through the fresh and resurrecting Springs
I took an oath to accompany you
And I swore to love you
Through the green and sunlit Summers
Now,
On this Late September Sabbath Evening
Our lives Together, still Locked
I renew my promise
I restate my oath
I reaffirm my vow
And with the sincerity of a Pristine Priest
White frocked and cloaked in holy ceremony to swear to love
his God
I do swear, once again
To Love You
Yes,
Even longer than forever
Yes,
Even longer than forever
®Copyright CMFCE.
Dr Hargrave's book, The Essential Humility of
Marriage: Honoring the Third Identity in Couple
Therapy, can be ordered through www.ZeigTucker.com for $36.95.
Contact Dr Hargrave at 806-651-3620 or at
tdhargra@aol.com.
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