The Psychotherapy Networker - Nov/Dec, 2004: Cover story: The
Citizen Therapist: Making a Difference - 5 therapists who
dared to take on the wider world - by Rob Waters
A BORN NETWORKER – Diane Sollee has put marriage education on the
map.
Diane Sollee clearly remembers the moment she
lost her zeal for promoting the gospel of how marriage and family
therapy were going to save the world. She was the associate
director and conference coordinator at the American Association of
Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and had been for much of the
‘80s. A born networker, with a beguiling charm and a gift for
instant rapport, she’d found a way to connect with TV bookers,
talk-show hosts, and print journalists to turn the sometimes arcane
ideas of family-systems theory into easily-consumable material for
the mainstream media. Through sheer determination, she’d succeeded
in getting marriage therapy an unprecedented level of media
attention. If you wanted to appear with Oprah or Phil
Donahue, getting Sollee to believe in your work was your best
bet.
Then, one day, she was on the phone, promoting a story about how
yet another state had agreed to license marriage and family
therapists, when the reporter surprised her with an unexpected
question: With more and more family therapists plying their
trade, why hadn’t the divorce rate gone down? Sollee found
herself uncharacteristically flummoxed. The question evoked
her own growing doubts about the value of therapy in improving
couples’ lives. “The perception of the public, the press, and
policymakers was that you go to marriage and family therapists to
save your marriage,†she explains. But when it came to
helping couples find ways to stay together, the research seemed to
indicate that therapists were highly ineffective.
Divorced herself, Sollee had experienced
firsthand the emotional impact of an unraveling marriage on a
family. In fact, she suspected that far too many therapists
were unconcerned whether people stayed together or not – they saw
their mission as increasing the immediate happiness of their
individual clients, whatever the consequences for the spouses or
children involved. “The reporter’s observation brought it all
together for me,†says Sollee. “I remember just sitting there
thinking, ‘Wow, if anybody figures this out, this profession is in
deep trouble!’â€
This rude awakening brought on a period of
intense soul searching, Sollee recalls. “I lost my belief
that his was the way to help couples and children and
families. I lost my faith that I was in the right place to
help. I lost the religion completely.†What
pulled her out of the crisis over her professional direction was
learning about a new wave of educational and skills-training
programs that took direct aim at the high divorce rate by teaching
couples strategies for dealing with marital conflict before they
landed in a therapist’s office or in divorce court. Soon
Sollee was a convert, and even gave the new movement a name:
marriage education.
In the late 80’s, even as now, marriage
education was seen as an extension of the far right’s “family
values†agenda, and was a hard sell in the liberal-minded
therapeutic community. But by being “sneaky and under the
radar,†Sollee began to spread this gospel by mixing in an
occasional divorce-prevention or marriage-skills presentation with
the standard fare at the annual AAMFT conference, even though, as
she recalls, these were controversial, even heretical, notions to
many association members.
Eventually, Sollee decided to leave AAMFT,
propelled by an idea of finding a way to give focus and expanded
visibility to the disparate marriage-education programs and
organizations around the country. “Diane’s goal became to
make the phrase marriage education a household word,†says couples
therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, noted for her own “divorce-bustingâ€
work. Sollee took out a mortgage on her home, set up an
office in the kitchen, and worked round the clock to create from
scratch, almost single-handedly, a national gathering that would
give the marriage-education movement the kind of coherence and
focus it’d been lacking. First held in 1996, Sollee’s Smart
Marriages conference initially attracted more presenters than paid
attendees. She lost money that year and the next, but by the
third year, she was in the black. Last year’s conference, the
ninth annual event, attracted nearly 2,000 participants.
The conference provides a platform for marriage
researchers to present their latest findings, along with seminars
that train people to become marriage educators. Sollee
estimates that, in nine years, some 5,000 educators have learned to
teach basic marriage and communication skills to couples.
Tens of thousands more therapists, educators, researchers, and lay
people regularly consult the Smart Marriages website, an
encyclopedic clearinghouse for information about “strengthening
marriages and families†that Sollee operates. It’s become one
of the main portals for accessing information about every aspect of
the marriage-education movement, including links to research,
training opportunities, relevant news stories, updates on
legislative initiatives, and other websites. In addition,
hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people have been exposed
to the news stories and TV pieces that Sollee helped launch.
For Sollee, the hardest part of championing the
cause of marriage-education has been walking a political tightrope
and fending off charges that she’s joined the right-wing “marriage
movement†and wants to curtail people’s right to divorce. In
the early days, she says, “good friends would cross the street to
avoid me – as if working to strengthen marriage meant I’d sold out
to the family-values cretins.†To avoid being identified with
any political faction, and despite the financial strain, Sollee has
refused to take funding from anyone.
“I’m not against divorce,†she clarifies. “I’m
for getting out information. Ninety percent of people still
get married at least once in America. As long as they’re
making these vows and really thinking they want to do it, I believe
the government, the media, and the researchers should be getting
them the information and skills they need to succeed at it.â€
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